Jan 21, 2011

I love Chinese



Ding Dong - said bell in the head of King Kong.  

I did an experiment by using MTR. MTR does not stand for ”Men testing Roll-on” but it is Hong Kong´s Metro. It takes an hour and 30 minutes to hurry back from Hong Kong island to my secret hideout in Taipo University. So it gives you somekind of scale of HKs actual size. Rich people like me can also use taxi services but sometimes you can act as if you were one of the rest and use the metro. In East Rail Line luckily us wellfortuned have our own carts. Taxis are not as expensive as in Finland, but normally when I use them I am too drunk to pay, so actually I dont know the rates.

In Hong Kong people have nearly always names which include first name such as Bobby, Ronnie, Heather or Kilimanjaro. Sometimes names sound funny but usually they make life a lot easier. Same you cannot say about chinese names. I have like maybe 10 chinese acquintances but cannot name even one. Maybe I should call them all Chang or Tsung, it cannot go far from the truth. But I like all my chinese friends very much. We all hate Japanese and love incense sticks. We also believe that life consists of five elements which is actually quite rational thinking. There is five fingers, five players on ice in ice-hockey, five Power Rangers, five wise people in Sweden, five changes to have a girlfriend in your whole life, five honest politicians in Russia, five days in a week if you dont count the weekend and so on...

Tourmanager Mikko Koivisto has left Hong Kong for Vietnam. He had to change his plans quickly cause he found out that in Thailand you cannot establish a bordel where you would only offer furry animals for pleasure. Mikko is by the way loyal to Panasonic even he could do better with Canon. Quoting my friend here by saying that ”with Cannon – You can”. But we had a good time. We visited local horseracetrack where Mikko and his adjutant enjoyed each other happily. Mikko couldn´t find the Great Wall in Hong Kong even if he tried very hard. And no, Hong Kong is not the capitol of China.

Tian Tai Buddha was Big – as they promised in some advertisement. Also measured in finnish standards. You have to be careful everytime when locals say that something is Big. L is not definetely Large and neither is XL something like Large with Extra dressing. Of course it is understandable that a man of my size is like a Godzilla here but even still. Anyway The Buddha was Large or even Extra Large. It protects the city with a wide grin on his face. Actually if someone would tell him a bad joke he would still keep smiling. And why stop there. I would say that anyone made of gold in that kind of totality should keep on smirking till the end of days. And that he will do apparently. Cable Car to the Buddha was also Big Experience even for me who is little bit afraid of heights – or because of that. Without this fear I would already be a fighter pilot. We were wondering with Mikko how much fun it would be to have sex in one of the carts, obviously it wouldn´t be so much fun if there would be the maximum amount of people allowed (16 or 1265 kg) on board that time or a person with you who would be over the weight limit. And of course we were not thinking of having sex together. But that was only a mind game. Forget it.

Okay, but thats about it for today. Next wednesday I´m flying to Indonesia to meet the aboriginals and swim in BORAT-swimsuit. Maybe I will also chase some sharks for food. I am also planning to take my surfing pictures for the Chippendales calendar 2012.

BB

Jan 16, 2011

Mr.Moustache and Tour Manager

Hello alles, ich bin Tuomas. I want to be international as you know.



I have found the Triads, a criminal syndicate which dominates Hong Kong´s underworld
and drug and prostitute businesses. I belive they use 7-Elevens as their base to transmit
illegal products to unaware citizens. 7-Elevens are stores which sell all kinds of daily
necessities and you can find them all over HK. Chain´s name comes from opening hours, as heard.
 
Luckily the people of Hong Kong is not alone. They have a saviour, a mysterious hero,
who is determined to put an end to Triads vicious plans. He calls himself Mr. Moustache.
I visited one shop wich claimed with these exact words "Even Clark Kent dresses in Chocolate".
So Chocolate is somekind of brand for superheroes I concluded. But to my great disappointment I didn´t find any costumes from Mr. Moustache. Batman and Superman were openly on display, but no sign of Mr. Moustache, who supposedly is the only hope for this city crying out of despair and constant disorder. So I bought only a pair of Spiderman sock and Catwoman´s brassiere, which are of course fake because Catwoman doesn´t wear any bra.  

Mr. Moustache moves only night time. He wears bushy moustaches which disguises him. Without his moustache he is as mortal as anyone else. Mr. Moustache is fearsome sight; he moves with the speed of sound and does acrobatic moves in all spaces. Sometimes Mr. Moustache can be spotted in Burger King where he gathers energy and plans his cunning counter attacks
against organized crime. Nobody knows his true identity but as rumored in newspapers "he must be stunningly good-looking, ingenious and courageous and gifted with paranormal talents which he uses for the benefit of mankind". Now the people of HK is holding their breath and waiting what will happen next.
As a close friend and partner of Mr. Moustache I can only say "Believe in him, he will fullfill your expectations". He is not only a man, but a miracle, granted as a gift to us all living in this unsafe metropolis. It is pity though that he is not mentioned in any of the guidebooks telling how safe place HK is to travel and live.
That is because Mr. Moustache is protecting us.

Friday I took some booze and nearly passed out in the taxi. We ended up in a place where you only pay once and knock yourself out with free alcohol. They call it open bar but actually it was far from it. There were so crowded that the bar was actually open to the strongest
and most arrogant ones. Maybe because of this fact it was near death experience for me. Maybe I should correct my habits and become more like Mr.Moustache who only saves beautiful women from danger.
I ruined also my shoes because someone had puked black venom on them. If I would be Mr.Moustache the one who had done that would already be six feet under.
We ate at Mr. Wong´s restaurant. Mr. Wong made it definetely clear that we should die out of sloth, one of the seven sins. And also beer was for free, ou thou Mr.Wong who are in heavens...

Mikko Koivisto, my band manager, came also to Hong Kong to make sure that our tour would come true as expectGed. He assured that the tour would be a success even if other members are not going to take part.
So it will a be huge show once again. I am looking forward how the crowd is shouting "Popie,Popie!"(Jiàohuáng) over excited. Mr. Koivisto will be heading immediately after the gig to Thailand where he attends in some kind of sexturism conference. But luckily he promised to
send me the ticketsales as soon as he arrives there. Good Job!



Jan 11, 2011

Eating unknown

Dear Fiends and Friends, 

Some locals are living in opinion that Hong Kong is dull city with only little to see and do except shopping. It it the only supportable thing what you can do with your clothes on. These people havent apparently left their homes too often. Or they havent visited places like Finland or Estonia. Once you have seen these forsaken cemetaries you begin to understand why only so few live there.
Or maybe it it because of low birthrate and bad immigration policy. Any way, in my opinion, HK (Hong Kong for friends) has proven its quality.

Firstly, you can purchase stolen goods from every corner and it won´t even cost you too much, if not ripped off. I bought a camera bag for 11 dollars (1 euro) and was close to bargain some more.
Secondly, Hong Kong people love to spend money on everything. They are even spending on my behalf, so I can concentrate on making some hard science. Thirdly, you don´t have to take off your cap while eating (sign of sophistication I would say). And finally you can get aplodes when going to a class. How respected is that (though it only happens in the beginning of first lesson. And for Brits only).

I was today in Bruce Lee´s grave (or statue actually) and nearly got an orgasm, which does not happen so often. But in Hong Kong you can do a pilgrim in almost every target if you wish, even in McDonalds. Actually I also visited this local rival of Hesburger (finnish brand) on friday evening. Only ate three doublecheesies for the cost of 3, 2 dollars (3 euros), remorseless cheating! How dare they? In Temple Street Market you can find almost everything from dildos to Mao´s small red book.
My friend bought Mao´s book in german, don´t ask me what he shall do with it. At least everyone knows for what purposes dildos are used. In Austria even this can be thought differently, though.
If you ask me what did i buy then, i bought women. On my wall. So I can wake up everyday seeing the loving stare of a woman. Audrey Hepburn that is.

We have a cantine in our campus. Though I have to admit that everybody does not think so highly of it. Food is basic but doesn´t produce any extra excitement for us true culinarists. Today I had for lunch such kind of cuisine that even my critical taste was satisfied. Every good meal should be assembled so that there is at least 70 % of the ingredients unidentified. So if the meal is rice plus something, outcome is that rice is rice and the other part is unknown until swallowed. The food is perfect if not even then eater is not able to recognize what he just ate.

But in a way it is true that Hong Kong will remain always only a city among others. As dear songwriter has sharply said:

Everything you do
has been done before
Everything you see,
has already been seen
Everything you touch
Has been touched with many hands
But not with your eyes, not with your hands
But not within you
Until it is done by you

So Hong Kong is there to be enjoyed. By Me. And by You.

Now I have to gallop to toilet. BB.


Jan 6, 2011

Plays and sports

So, good day to you all.

These questions have been puzzling me constantly throughout the week:

1. Why is there emergency buttons all over campus area?

Especially buttons situated in showers and near urinals are raising questions.
Could someone really be at risk of drowning in his own piss or having an allergic reaction while jurking off in the shower?
Even brushing your teeth can be risky as you may choke yourself.  

2. Would Bruce Lee beat Chackie Chan in one-to-one combat?

I got the answer in our Hong Kong Culture and History class where our tutor told that Jackie has some problems with alcohol and he haven´t been such a good parent.
But if Bruce would have had to fight against Darth Vader, would fight be even because as we all know Vader drank only motoroil and he was the best father there is.

3. Why are monkeys so hostile here?

During my visit in the temple of 10.000 (exact number) of Buddhas I encountered a horde of angry monkeys. They were after my earrings. They had a leader who acted bravely but after I have gave him (her?)
a glaze he realised that I was not the guy to fuck with. Next time I will bring with me some Dutch people and fed to these vicious hairy creatures. Or maybe they don´t eat creatures looking much alike.    

4. Why is there not any water in campus indoor swimming pool?

Sorry, there is actually. At least 15 cm. So I can swim there as much as in my coffee mug. Good they have guards there though, some one can drown if not careful.

5. Why cannot I go to gym without official instruction lesson which is held like 26.1?

Really they are giving the others chances to get even within these upcoming weeks. Until then I will do some dancing and aerobic practices. You can play also woodball, though it is sensitive for injuries.  

I had finally taste of Shakespeare and...
This is a conversation between me and a beautiful woman from my newest play:

T: O thou sight of heavens, who coveth my cloudy skies with blush of roses,
shall I encompany thee to my forbode coves where dolphins not cry frozen tears but tears of eternal bliss.
Thou shall not be afeared.

W: Thou makest my day Blithe. Where ever camest thou my dearest, I be filled with satisfaction.
If thou dost long for my love, I shall give it to thee but not with out conditions.

T: What will you me to deliver thee?

W: Bring me a pair of stockings from the market.
If thou canst find what I ask of thee, shall I not leave thou unsatisfied.    

T: He who trieth to stop me shall be demolished. A great mission of heartly delights derives me.
My fain princess, soon I shall return with golden wagons and feel thou again in my muscular arms.

The End.

Im about to start writing my own plays. The first one is called "King Bear" which tells a story of a bear disquised as woman. One man falls in love with the woman (bear) and finally realizes that they cannot have babies. Then he kills himself. It is a tragedy.

The second one is called "Plenty to do with clothing", which is like a comedy of three brothers who wonder around without any clothes. Finally they find a city where an old man sells them clothes and they become princes. In the end they all get married.

The third play carries name of "Romeo & Juliet and a pigfarmer." It is a tragic story of one pigfarmer who tries to sell pigs but in the end goes bankrupt. His life is asunder until Romeo comes in rescue. Romeo fells in love and Juliet kills herself in the pigsty. Then the pigfarmer thinks that Juliet is one of her pigs
and kills herself also because of strong empathic emotions. Finally Romeo finds out that both of her women have died and then he tries to kill himself but in the end is stopped by one of the pigs who turns out to be the missing king.
  
Now you can call me a man. I have bought myself a Bruce Lee T-shirt.

Dig-You-Good-Den

Jan 2, 2011

at the Beginning of Semester

Hello Mothers and Fuckers,

I thought that I would had learned Chinese language by the end of the week. Unfortunately it will take a little bit longer. Now I know already like two words so start has been promising. Learned so far:

fan laan = Finland
do ze = thank you

I think I can manage with these two till February. Nobody seems to know what Tuo Mas means in Chinese. This I will find out. I have this gut that it will something like "wisdom of gods" or "adorable flower".
Actually some individuals here thought at first that i am a seilor. Can´t blame them though. I have to tattoo an anchor on my forehead.
 
I have listed few things which will make stay here stressful:

1. I have a Brit living next door. He is a fan of Manchester City. So he can buy almost everything here.
2. Finnish is not an official language of Hong Kong but I´m working on that. I think they will consider its position again within few weeks after I have started negotiations with the local officers.
3. I have get to know people from Holland. They don´t even know that Soul is the capital of Laos.
4. I fear that someone wants to assassinate me cause I draw a caricature of Confucious on my door. The Dutch by the way think that Confucious was the Leader of the Saxons.
5. The death of Michael Jackson is not an acknowlidged fact here. The people here still thinks that Jackson lives in Neverland Ranch and is coming to play in Hong Kong next May. Yeah and next they say that
Hong Kong belongs to China instead of Great Britain. Or that Tokio Hotel is not really from Tokio.      

Tomorrow will start my first semester. I have chosen following courses:

1. How to run a country - basics of dictatorship
2. Dog - faithfull piece of meat
3. Chinese Medicine and Herbalism - Diarrhea and other usefull illnesses as means to better selfknowledge
4. From here to thereafter - Gods from Bruce Lee to Queen Elizabeth II
5. Architecture in Hong Kong - Build your own skyscraper
6. Engaging teetolater exchange students to alcoholism - field course
7. Fartial Arts - techniques of farting (course runned by a local master)

Hopefully I will get a camera soon so you will have the opportunity to enjoy pictures I have taken (alone in my room). Yeah.
Hey I forgot to tell you that I visited the Campus library. There is a huge collection of Harrison Ford and Richard Gere films. I will definetely want to get my share of this cultural heritage.
You can also borrow toys and Chinese tv-programs. They work also well together late in the evening.  

Okay but now to the football pitch. They don´t call me the White Anelka for nothing.

Thomas, Tomas, Toomas, Doom-ass, Doumas, Tuomas - whatever works.