Apr 27, 2011

Fogg and Passepartout


This is the end of an era. Or a beginning of an end. Everything beautiful has its ends, and now is the time for me to have a break and concentrate on the real issues at hand. Near future will be one with memories and events never to forget.  

My friend (yes, I still have friends) is coming to Hong Kong and we are about to start our mutual quest. My name is Phileas Fogg, not really, and my partner follows the name Passepartout, not really. Our mission is not to travel around the world in 80 days but to retrieve the Holy Grail containing the blood of Jesus. This may well be written in the pages of postmodern history. After reading some literature I have made a stunning discovery: the blood of Jesus is hidden in Mekong River, or some sources indicate that another option is somewhere along the Silk Road in China. We have to dig haunting graves, explore dangerous and deep caves, meet strange talking people, drink mysterious beers, swim piranha filled waters, fight against our rivals with our wits and turn all rocks so that we can eventually solve this mystery which has surrounded us for more than thousand, maybe even millions of years. This will be a huge adventure filled with dangers and excitements, but someone has to volunteer for the sake of better future for our children. We will be well prepared. I have gathered all that I think necessary, said farewells, shed tears and kept speeches; it is time, everything is ready. The necessities include:

l   twenty passport size photos - to hand over as gifts to those unfortunate ones
l   one pair of indoor shoes - can be used also outdoor (my invention)
l   one can of tuna (no opener) – works as a trade product if necessary
l   map of Hong Kong - we may never know when we may return
l   Bible - even Dr. Livingstone had with him when he went and paid a visit to black Africa
l   Swimming suit - nudism would be too much of a risk
l   a whip - if Indiana Jones had it, I have to have it
l   Camera - for us to take pictures to share in Facebook
l   Computer - for us to upload pictures to Facebook
l   Postcards - to send from different places back home
l   Stamps - to put into postcards
l   Money - to bribe, buy and humiliate people who don’t have money 

We understand that many in South-East Asia or China haven’t seen men like us before so they might startle us at first but after we nourish them with our intellect, charm and timeless wisdom, we are sure to make contacts useful to us on our quest. We will bring gifts like Starbucks coupons, used DVDs, pencils, rice, small Jesus statues and crucifixes, and western cooking recipes to ease the path. It is their fortune to meet us, not the other way around. But of course they can provide us valuable information how to find the Grail. They must know something, and money is the answer to open these chests of secrecy.

We will begin our journey from Shanghai, a small village located in eastern china. There we will do some ground work and search people who might know something about long-distance history. We are confident that locals are able to help us to find information of the whereabouts of the Grail, an artifact symbolizing the West’s belief of immortality, supremacy and religious vanity. The Chinese are very well aware of the world history; at least this sounds the most promising place to start. From Shanghai we will head to Taipei, the capitol of Taiwan and city of once forgotten Chinese traditionalism. I have heard that the Taiwanese people treat their quests with warmth and hospitality. If lucky the Grail will already be found here, and we don’t have to move on at all, although this would need more than beginner’s luck to become reality. In Taiwan we are also accompanied by Mr. Karvinen, a famous research assistant and sociologist from Tampere Finland. Hopefully he will turn out to be more than a basic tourist, but we fear the worst.

Bangkok is our first stop in South East Asia, a place full of interesting business possibilities. Luckily we are not there to make money but to use it as a hub to get transportation to Cambodia, a paradise of millions of land mines and a long and horrendous Khmer-history. We will be there to make our own history so why be interested in history of others, who wants to know a history of death and genocide any way: positive attitude, that’s the spirit! Angkor Wat will probably the only place in Cambodia where we might go and do some sightseeing, after all it is nominated as one of the Seven Wonders of the World right after Pentagon, Berlin Wall and Big Ben. Tomb Raider was also filmed partly in Cambodia, and it only proves that there are many secrets to unravel. And it might be even true that Jesus visited Cambodia one time during his travels. Rumors have wings as they say.  

Laos was once also a colony of France. Why did they gave it up, I wonder. Well Laos is situated above Cambodia and offers plenty of nice spots to do some grave digging. In Laos people are poor so they will tell us what we need. It is unlikely that Graal would be found there but in the vast Laotian jungles lodges many blood drinking tribes of ancient Hmong people. Maybe they have also some clues where the blood of Jesus is hidden. I can even give them some of my precious blood what they can use as a potion of eternal life. Hopefully we can also find our way to gibbon forest, a holy forest inhabitated by mute people who look miraculously like monkeys.

China is our second best bet to find the Grail. Yunnan Province is the natural first leg of our China conquest. Before arriving to Beijing we have around 6000 kilometers of distance and space to cover in less than one week. But we are everything but unconfident of finding the treasure. We just need to work harder and trust our instincts as professional explorers. After we have found and taken the blood to our hands we will leave the colossal continent of China using a Russian train – maybe the most trusted and praised form of transportation on earth. This high speed train will take us home faster than any other. Trip will last only for two weeks, no less. I always wonder how the people in the early days were able to manage without these modern innovations. I should be home before August but anything can happen when taking part in such a risky mission. But you should all know that we are doing it for you. We are giving our contribution to the world by trying to locate something which can really change the course of time. At the same time we consume lots of beer, food, roads, gas, time, tracks and the company of ourselves and others. We hope you all have a nice summer and will remember us when we are famous, in return - we won’t remember you.        

Nipa (and Make)  

Apr 22, 2011

Revealing Ladyboys

Sa-wat dee!
Thailand, Finland, Iceland, Ireland, Switzerland…In this way a local cabdriver started to amuse us (or himself more likely) while rallying the busy streets of Bangkok on one hot steaming day. In Thailand using a taxi is both cheap and wise, and cars have nice colors. But change money they don’t have. When I gave the driver 1000 baht he looked at the note like he would have seen a picture of Madonna. He was at the same time shocked and embarrassed. Eventually I paid the trip by giving the man my floorball association card from year 2003, used leather bracelet and a receipt proving that I bought shaving cream from 7-Eleven 13.3 – with my personal signature of course. The driver was happy, but I was sad because they were altogether worth more than 47 baht (1,3 euros). In Bangkok you can also travel by using Tuk-Tuks or SkyTrain. Tuks-Tuks are motorised vehicles with drivers who don't know where to drop you even they have lived in the same city for 45 years taking tourists to areas worth any interest. Then they just circle around and the meter keeps on rolling. Hopefully their close range memory works to some extent better. Otherwise they have trouble to find their way home after work.  

While doing some preliminary research about Thailand and Bangkok I bumped into photos of richly decorated temples and speeding riverboats, stories of friendly and smiling locals, and descriptions of wild nightlife rumbling ending happily or even happily ever after. One of the most memorable pics was nevertheless a pair of drawings illustraing two womenlike figures. Readers were supposedly to find the distinctive features between a ”woman” and a ”man” disguised as a female. Ladyboy, or kathoey is presumably a man pretending to be a woman, like Bruce Wayne is pretending to be a bat, Gaddafi is pretending to be a peace nobelist, Charlie Sheen a funny guy, Tiger Woods a good father, Berlusconi innocent and so forth. Ladyboys are Thailand’s pride and biggest export with natural gas, toys, garments and jewelry. Hopefully they don’t export them in boxes with labels ”From Thailand with Love”.

Most importantly, I dont have anything against Ladyboys. All I want to raise here is the guestion of  credibility. So we need to disguise ourselves well if we want to misguide others and give false impressions to those judging our actions and behavior with sharp perception. In Thailand Ladyboys haven´t always put up their best effort, and so they are relatively easy to spot, even though many have fallen for their bodily charm, have heard. If someone is trying to hit me, (s)he usually turns out to be a Ladyboy. Usually women don´t bother with me u know. And normally you don´t also need a voice regocnition specialist to say that this woman here speaks like she would have been drinking whisky for several decades. The problem with Ladyboys is their obvious transparency of sex. I know that in Eastern-Germany and Ukraine women tend to have beards and hairy legs but to my knowledge they still have only single privates and husbands who call them wives. Of course it can be that Ukraine is the promised land of Ladyboys, but then we have to ask who has delivered all their children if not the ogrish women. It has been the scam of a lifetime if that has happened.

Okay, In Thailand I did also some other things besides spying. Songkran Festival had started when I landed, and this meant a huge war among groups of people armed with waterguns. Now this is what I could say a proper civil war, and how wars should be fought. For four days these vicious fighters tease everyine brave enough to step on the streets. Worst ones are those eguipped with garden hoses, they are true patriots. They lurk in the shadows and open fire when last expecting it. Guns are not only arms allowed. Basket Mud is also used widely. If you would get rubbed shit on your face, how happy would you be? Some get pissed (on the final day at least), can tell you that. But if Thailand would be in war, I would vote for their victory. At least they fight with smile on their faces. And ammunition delivery works like a wet dream.

After the waterwar had ended and peace treaty signed we decided to go and lick our wounds to Bang Saphan, a lovely village 5.5 hours from Bangkok to south. From there we found some romantic bungalows by the seashore. We were like having our honeymoon me and my manager Mikko. We played cards, talked politics, drank Chang-beer and collected colorful shells under the cheering sun. I even got my sexy hair removed from my back. It was perfect. But nothing is everlasting, not even mutual quality time between two Finnish bugbears (and a Finnish girl called Henna, who was also serving us). I left Thailand with tears. Mikko stayed there and started reading James Bond, his favorite and first English novel (now reading already for four months), And I got on a bus and drove away. Aftermath of this journey was that I can peel my burnt skin and think whether to visit this land of sandy beaches, heavyweight turism and girls looking pretty again. Maybe I just order myself a Ladyboy through the Internet.

“Till next time”, said a Thai girl to a happy customer over his fifties equipped with a lard belt, drunken face and a heavy wallet.  

Apr 9, 2011

Visiting God of Fertility

Hello,

Im about to start my journey over South-East Asia and other parts of this lovely continent colonized by European powers not so long ago. Now this area is conquered by Multinational Companies and their finest discoveries in the field of coffee, fast-food, clothing, banking, law, investing, housing, transportation etc. No matter where you go you are under the influence of heavyweight Brands. Starbucks here, Starbucks there - Starbucks everywhere. Even the Chinese have understood that Multinationals are the key to success. Fuck the Human Rights! We have Big Mac (with Chinese modification where beef has been replaced with bean curd, lettuce with tealeaves and burger roll with a traditional bun) and famous ”freedom fries”! Well in China people can at least eat these fries without getting jailed, albeit mentioning ”freedom fries” can cause you to be interrogated and sent to prison due to reasonable doubt that you have committed ”an economical crime” against humanity, the people of China and the CCP. 


From 100 the most economically influential and wealthiest units 52 too are Multinationals, states and countries included. This gives us a certain perspective why it is justified to say that hand that feds us, tailor that dresses us, banker that provides monetary credibility to us, law that protects us, carpenter that gives shelter to us and vehicle that carries us around are all false creations based on guarantees, promises and hopes that cannot be submitted in a manner of ethical decorum. Hong Kong is maybe the worst place to live if we want to avoid impressions of global homogenization of products and lifestyles. As all my friends keep telling in Hong Kong ”there is not much to do besides shopping”. Well, after a while this opinion gives rise to disgust and loathing of daily comforts. You start to see the famous Repulse Bay as a beach to spend a repulse day. Avenue of Stars becomes Avenue of Farts, Ladies Market is Jerks target and the Peak turns gradually into place where to take a leak. Well, anyway, I like Hong Kong a lot, but it reminds me of the inequalities of the world more and more every day.


Next Thursday I will sweep the dust of Hong Kong out my feet and leave to Thailand.
Thailand is the Canary Islands of the Far-East. Even from Finland people can get cheap tickets and fly there to experience real feeling and atmosphere of exotic orient. This real feeling can be explained through few important factors which include: sex, hop and sunbath. Atmosphere as a dimension contains also three components: beaches, the jungle and the barlife. Before I left Finland I read an article which gave an insight of the tourism in Thailand. The articles perspective was focused on middleaged and relatively young Finnish malebeings. So usually desperate househusbands or bachelors pack their bags and leave to Thailand to find happiness – and an under-aged companion. Okay, this is twisted and sick, but also tells how even love has changed from challenges of facing genuine emotional stress and unstability to a mechanism of fast-love driven by money, nai´ive eagerness and self-delusion. 


I go to Thailand for different reasons. I will go and meet my manager, Mikko Koivisto, who has managed to create a small religious phenomenon amidst the locals; they have started to pray Mikko as a god of fertility. I need to go and see for myself if this is actually true. In Thailand you can also enjoy the warmth of beaches and elephants. Now it is a good season to visit due to the heavy rains. I might even get evacuated if lucky. I know that with Mikko I can also be persuaded to drink beer. Hopefully this won´t happen so that I could proceed my important groundwork as an antropologist and a researcher of mysterious fertility cults.   

I watched last week a Woody Allen film "Everything you always wanted to know about sex * But were afraid to ask". I think that Mikko can hopefully enlighten me in these issues further. One of the figures in Allen's film falls in love with a sheep and ends up losing all. Hopefully Mikko has done wider experiments with the elephants than Dr. Ross did with his Daisy. Please excuse me, clock is already past one....

Tuomas   
      

Apr 1, 2011

Vanishing Point

Hello,

Days of hard labour are diminishing and mood is becoming sunny. Today I opened my beach season officially with a BBQ-dinner with three Northern-Irish bastards and two German speaking Wurst Freund in a lovely atmosphere of Clear Water Bay. When we arrived at the scene there were horde of local youngsters having a some kind of conspiracy meeting against the elderly. They had dumbed their thrash all over and were speaking in harsh manner about taking over the whole beach. After a while we witnessed how this mob buried one of their members alive in the sand. Well, at least they understood not to mess with the Irish, who took their leaders under a strict command, and so they had to take pictures of us when we asked to and gave away their camping supplies. To a Finn it was nearly impossible to comprehend how these gangsters were still sober on a friday evening 1700. In my country the young people tend to terrorize the innocent by first drinking themselves to a state of foolishness and then acting accordingly. Last week I read that now they have come up a way to get a more efficient hop by sticking a tampoon in their ass. Well, U cannot go below that in stupidity.

Sausage Lovers from Germany proved out to be excellent firestarters, so next time I will ask them to join me when I go burn down churches in Norway. I also learned that all countries to the east of Austria are poor and their people deserve only to be cleaners for Austrian households. The Irish kept saying the same about their lovely country, but it seems that they haven't heard that after England comes also other countries. They have thought that EU means a trade union between the Irish and the Brits. But at least they have rugby, a sport which tries to be more than football but succeeds in being less than handball.

Last night I was took part in song competition. Sadly i wasn't a competitor but a normal spectator. The competition showed me once again why it is necessary for the Finns to exist. All the songs were about love, I suspect. But as we all know Love doesn't have to be sentimentally blaah. Song about love can also tell about eating children, or drinking blood from another man's skull, or killing pigs with a screwdriver. This seems to be totally forgotten aspect of Love in the ensemble of Hong Kong music. In Finland we can at least express through mentally engaging songs how love can show itself in different forms, others than relationships between a boy and a girl which we all know will end in tears and feeling of betrayal. Love is everywhere, no matter if u are a necrofilic, or a boy with three arms, or a werefolf, yuo are still entitled to love and be loved. Maybe these issues are too hard for a Hong Kong music-makers to handle. We In Finland have many artists who have come out and said, ”Hey, hear me out! I wanna tell u a love story between a donkey and an old farmer.” At least in Northern Ireland they sing songs like this, it is a part of their natural heritage. Okay, but the competition was fair. Ok, actually I don't know if it was because nobody seemed to have won. After the last performance the stage was occupied by a group of badly dressed Hobos from mystic alleys of Oz. One of them was a replica of Johnny Depp and another reminded me of a zombie from George Romeros Night of The Living Dead. When they came out behind the curtains audience gave them applaudes I would get everyday just by entering the student cantine. But they played quite well, have to give them credit, even though the lead singer was smiling too much.

4/5 is the balance at the moment. One more to go. Final case is an essay about a multiproblematic boy. So I can write a biography of Gaddafi or John Travolta, who still thinks that humans derive from species out of space. Well I truly hope that this is the case with some nationalities. It would explain so many things for example ”Why we need to study Swedish in our schools?, or why Hong Kongers eat cow's stomach in the mornings?, or Why Northern-Irish play rugby? Or Why Americans think that Finland is a place where Peter Pan flew with Tinkerbell Fairy?

Anyway, I am already near the finishline. After this last assignment I will close the semester and start my holiday. Hopefully everything goes well and I can find out what is causing this boy to behave irrationally. Thank God that he has my sanity to rely on.  

Ta-ta, 

Mar 22, 2011

Every Story ends Happily


It took me 12 hours to do what Phileas Fogg did in 6 days; see China. On sunday I headed to Shenzen, a city near the border, where it is said to be millions of drug users and bums ready to take your internal organs and sell them to Mongolian shepherds.

Chinese border officials saluted me and greeted me as their liberator but sadly I had to reveal that I was only here to purchase cheap DVDs and get a massage. A slight disappointment there. At least they took a picture of me to put in Facebook (?). I have heard that the French were denied access and the British had to pay four times more than normal people just to get in and see how homeless piss on the streets – and no refunds. It is not stupid to ask but to pay. After seeing that China was actually everything you had read it would be, you were quite disappointed. You should actually start to believe what they say on newspapers. Luckily it is other way around in China. There you can be sure that everything you read will be false or at least suspicious. I should have brought with me a copy of Juoppohullun Päiväkirja to show how freedom and reason are appreciated in Finland. Now these poor bastards have to read only red books which tell how bad people the Japanese are. Of course not at this precise moment but again after the tsunami crisis has eased off. Even chinese cookbooks tell with pictures how the Japanese killed brutally Chinese comrades prevailing peace and communist family values. Traditional Finnish bloodpancaces would be a quarantee hit in China.

I was warned that in China people will call you names and mistreat you for being a foreigner. Well again I proved those accusations wrong. Maybe I can be mistaken as a Chinese, who knows. One thing which caught my eyes was that one man has the privilege to be in all their notes, he must be truly influental, not so pretty but powerful. My associate Manson, expert in foreign affairs, said that some think that this man is a god. Mao Tse Tung. For me he doesn't look like a god. He looks like billion other men in this country, maybe he can shoot fireballs or make himself invisible. Then there wouldn't be any need for a face in the note either.

We went with my associate to have a massage in facility of pleasures. The lovely ladies rubbed me head to toe and I bet it was an experience also for them. You don't get to touch spartan body everyday. My associate said that the masseuse woman was horrified before the massage of a lifetime: ”Oh my God (read Mao), this man is huge and hairy!” There was not even sizes for me when I was buying truckloads of quality shirts earlier that day. Yes but the performance was success. They call Thai massage aggressive and for sure, they got that right. I had to fight for two hours just to stay conscious. Luckily I was well prepared because I had had two light massages and a moment in 70 celsius (In Finnish we call this Swedish Bath) sauna before this crucial battle. But my colossal muscle area also exhausted the woman. Good for her that my generous tip will give her a month off from work.

Lastly we went to eat. In the morning we had already Dim Sum in a five star place where they have served also communist superstars like Deng Xiaoping. Restaurant was situated in 50th floor and there was a rotary floor. In Finland you will get a very close impression when you get yourself drunk and climb on the Näsinneula Tower. But the food was again excellent consisting of meat like cows stomach. A bite of juicy stomach is a reviving start to a fresh day. In the evening we cherished the fine odysseia with five dishes of seafood. I started to feel inner pride and outer grandeur while eating oysters and crabs. I could get used to this classy life. Well four euros is still a little bit outrageous!

All n All Shenzen treated us with warm and gentle hands. It is nice to see that the Chinese don't even know how to use their own Metro. For us all well that ends well.

Mar 16, 2011

Treatise on Human Stupidity


Let it be said one more time, humans are stupid, monkeys dressed in robes. Okay arguments without any proofs.  I will give you evidence using the same language which has distinguished us from our primal ancestors, apes. I also use the same method as politicians use, we call it in the academic circles mixed methods. Every time you mix opinions with facts you are using the mixed method. This piece of information is not stressed only some chosen individuals but against all men born into this world thinking like Dr. Jekyll and acting like Mr. Hyde. 

  1. Fashion. Pierre Cavallo, Swatch, Gucci, Louis Vuttoin, Swarovski, Marks & Spencer. People don't even realise how ridiculous they look in their fancy wear. When we think in tandem the poor and the rich they both appear distinctive – in unwanted way. Where the rich try to separate themselves from other classes they tend to achieve the opposite. They become breathing statues of degrading gazes. Next they say that it is all about the status. Well I say that you can get a quality whore also but it is still dubious to pay for your company. Think for example the model industry. Women fashion models nowdays are more likely to produce disgust than appriciation. But why do we still want to look fashionable? Out of stupidity. And then there is the matter of piracy of goods. Less the merrier, and I mean the brand. I think many of the brands are all about the brands, not the products. I could not care less if I have a fake Diesel Bag as long as it is good for it's purpose. Before I came to Hong Kong I bought my last pair of Lacoste shoes. For a real thing they lasted quite long: 3 weeks. With that work quarantee I think the Chinese are doing quite well with their replicas.
  1. Businessmen and -women. In relation to previous is the world of business. I saw yesterday how a group of young men were being photographed in their suits in front of a building dedicated to money worshipping. I went by smiling to myself and thinking the life of a business vulture. Life with cars, pools, mistresses, margaritas and morning wake-ups in hotels. And the best benefit which includes in payroll is the good conscience. And then they say that you need a degree to become a businessman: Master of Stupidity. I am lucky not to be a businessman and to be a teacher. As a teacher I can at least teach kids not become involved in business. Actually I have nothing against Business as such. I just feel constant repulsion towards self-sacrifice for something like wealth.   

  2. Food. Hong Kong is a very ideal place for those who feel like trying different sorts of dishes and tastes. I can only speak on my behalf but I must state that a prize is a bad indicator for good food. I see people dining in places where you again have to wear ridiculous clothes just to get in. There they can enjoy a series of portions which cost a lot, smell riche, taste like le ciel, look magnificue but does not fill your l'estomac. Excuse for asking, but what is the purpose of eating. If I want to smell and taste nice things which also look good and are expensive I will go to a quality bordel. And Michelin makes only good tires.

  3. Behaviour. Stupid people are easy to recognise out their behaviour. For example they fear embarrasment and try to avoid it at all costs. At the same time they make fools out of themselves by upkeeping certain living habits which cannot hold daylight. Reading women´s magazines as replacements for scientific articles, or collecting sand in bottles, or watching Grey's Anatomy or or opening bottles with your teeth – that is stupidity.

  4. Elements of stupidity.
    Cameras. Many use cameras to take photos which they use as evidence if someone asks: "Has your life been memorable?" Cameras are for demented people.
    Fear of death. People who fear death are like people who will buy a pair of shoes and are afraid to use them because they might get broken. When death comes it comes. When have you read a neverending story? You can try to delay reading as much as possible but finally you have to close the book, or otherwise leave someday by force without finishing even the prologue. And people in faith, well they have of course an eternal life, so keep on reading your tales of eternia, fellows.
    Lack of critique. News we read and images we see on different media platforms do not represent the truth – at least not always. When somebody says to you, that there will be a nuclear catastrophe you should verify this information before going to buy yourself a tent, a Bible and a packet of jodium. That’s why it is hard to even trust politics anymore. It is game played by spin doctors and poor actors.
    Need to success. Olympics are only for those who are the best. But luckily we all can participate in games which are held even as I’m writing this text: The Games of Life. And in these games there are more winners than just the top three. Unfortunately some people have always a head start and some may never finish. And in these games there are no anti-doping policies or sanctions.   
    Hindsight. First they are promoting democracy, next we see them withdrawing.  Lastly they will say what should have been done. This is the global consciousness and the medium of thinking. In Hong Kong people have forgotten all their problems because there are bigger problems in Japan. But it also shows the way people think. The people of the world need unfortunately major catastrophes in order to put their problems in scale. Still I wonder how is it different to see people in Libya being slaughtered than seeing people die due to tsunami. And still only one out of two are being sympathized and assisted with global consensus. We haven't heard the final hindsight on these issues yet. At least at this point we can say that the other injustice is a result of human stupidity.

    Till next time. 

Mar 10, 2011

of Love and Romance


Hello there. 

Few words about romance. Romance is the key ingredient of lasting relationships and cardinal (not carnal) virtue which is the last stronghold against bedroom boredom. Here is selected picks for you to avoid catastrophe in your lovelife.

  1. Choose a companion that you are actually interested in. Choose at least someone you already know. Romance cannot exist between people who are total strangers to each other. Romance without previous engagement is like shopping, you get what you want, pay and leave. And usually you just feel sorry for using too much time and money without true benefit. Sometimes shopping can be good therapy anyhow.
  2. Call your friends while making love. Make romance a social and shared phenomenon.
  3. When making love keep a mask on. So you will avoid being recognized if you want to hide your true identity. Plastic bag works also.
  4. Keep your clothes on when making love. So you will not have to put them back on when leaving. Lovemaking is often faked so why bother taking clothes off.
  5. Try to think lovemaking like a marathon. If you fail it is not the end of the world. You just have to practice more and understand that some may have more talents and better equipment than you have. And try to drink a lot before the actual performance. Try still avoid vomiting if execution is too much for your current fitness. After all lovemaking requires stamina and perseverance.
  6. When you make love, take breaks every now and then. Have a snack or a drink. Nothing heavy though.
  7. Systematize a love theory which has following parts: lead-in, methods, conclusions, ethics, concepts and measures. Remember that love is usually practice about theory.
  8. Think foreplay as a check-up. It is the phase of game when both participants go through their gear and make sure that everything is where it should be.
  9. Try to act like you were someone else or even better, try to think that you were having fun with your high-school teacher. Teachers are always hot.
  10. Role-play is always encouraged. Don't wear costumes though. Lovemaking is nearly always about playing either Eve or Adam. If you really have to use your gardrobe creatively, choose to perform figures like Captain Hook, Uncle Scrooge, Chewbacca or one of the seven Dwarfs and make a full makeup. That should spice up things a bit.
  11. Listen to music which makes you fully sentimental like Bon Jovi, Celine Dion or Elton John. Also Gladys Knight´s song ”Better love next time” or Marvin Gaye´s ”Is that enough” works beautifully.
  12. After the rally is over don´t say anything because silence is golden. And if the romance was not properly conducted, is better not to try and fix it with words.
  13. Try to remember that romance is globally shared need and emotional motivation. Still people tend to give it different features and contents. In Finland it is nice to make love every six years, in Sweden it is typical to cultivate among groups of men, in Poland people are so poor that it is their only hobby which doesn´t cost anything, in Germany movies are made out of romance, In France romance means exchange of baquettes in a friendly manner, in Britain people only make love in the dark, in Italy romance equals act between two people who both think that style really matters, In America people make love if they can fit into a same bed, In Africa love making is a rite to generate rain, In China if we stare the population it becomes obvious that love is the only thing they have in mind and in the Netherlands hopefully no one makes love – it is against European policy of Human Rights.

How do I know about these matters is a true mystery. I just know

Mar 7, 2011

Lost and Found


Tuhannen tulimmaista.

Okey, my next mission is to conquer China. My Roommate already asked me to join with him to a 24 hour massage adventure in Shenzen. He says that it should have an happy ending. Who would prefer otherwise, I wonder. Hopefully there is a masseuse too. Today I also bribed my Buddies with Finnish chocolate to do my laundry and write my assignments for this semester. They had to write official agreements with little print telling that no complaints would be handled. This is Chinese Democracy I say. You can do magic only with 4 bars of chocolate. Next time I will bribe the Mayor with three boxes of traditional Mämmi. Who needs dollars anymore?

I lost my student yesterday, or actually it has been found already. Now I have two official documents proving that I am a part of this great community. But the officials showed true effiency today. 9.37 I went to report my loss and re-issue a new card. 11.17 new card arrived. Two hours in Hong Kong is equivalent to two weeks in Finland. And you still wonder why China is attracting major global companies with irresistable benefits. But next time I will try what happens if I leave my passport photo in a public space unguarded. So I have some empirical evidence to back up my theory about men who suffer because of their good looks.

On saturday I was in Macao which is with Las Vegas the world´s worst place to visit if you are broke. At least now I know why the portuguese are suffering from burdensome poverty. They should have kept Macao as their national treasury. Well it also shows that Portugal has little or no sense of economic comprehension. 33 Casinos means lots of money and lots of bad architecture.
Casino buildings are all build by King Midas or by some fake greek visionary. But at least they offer something for everyone. The whole family can go and play: men in tables and wifes with children in McDonalds. But for me Macao was all about portuguese food. I did not even know that fishsoup was originally founded in Portugal.

I also visited the Macao Museum. All museums here are beautifully constructed. They have´made replicas out of every situation in their history. So even Macao was able to fill two rooms. In Hong Kong Museum of History people are led into a belief that Hong Kong was an evolutionary miracle.
In Finland people were born out of Swedes. So we share the same thinking in some parts. I participated also in exhibition telling about 1911 revolution in China. There were mainly old people present and I felt myself like a foreign spy. But China is a good example how a country can release itself from opression just to be opressed again within the same century. But some times these things can happen unnoticed. In Finland people were one time poor and became rich and now they are poor again. They just dont know it yet.

Tomorrow is My Birthday. I have disguised it as a international women´s day because I don´t really like celebrations. And of course I prefer giving over receiving. But those who will fail to remember my birthday will suffer eternally. I bought myself a gift also: two bottles of Tsingtao beer. Unluckily I don´t have an opener. Luckily I have bribed servants.

Tomorrow I will also go and see a movie. Last time I witnessed a scene where a girl was using her boyfriend as a slave to go and pick up popcorns for her in the middle of a movie. Someone just don´t get it. Being a man means that you are free from women´s naiive illusions of equality. Shame on you! Next time I hope this poor reflexion of a man will go movies with her father or a boyfriend. Or buys beer instead of popcorns.  

Mind the Cap - I just bought two new ones. 


Feb 26, 2011

B stands for Bullshit.

Evaluation in HKIEd is pretty simple:

A stands for Asslicking
B stands for Bullshit (writing skills)
C stands for Common knowledge
D stands for Dumbass
F stands for Fucking Pathetic

Student performing well or with excellent grades is a challenging task for every university to achieve. Here in HKIEd it is pretty easy because every student in this unit is an exceptional talent. So if you have passed the qualifications  and accepted in you are on your way to success and wealth – and people treat you with respect. Those coming from abroad are in a position to be some kind of professionals, having a word “star” written on their foreheads. And stars of course have their own rules. Some examples: Every time you do something wrong, people cannot express their true emotions. “I’m sorry” comes out of their mouths, not ours. I know this cause I got caught stealing a book from out library. This intentional act of evil was of course prized with a verbal warning. But they were sorry, of course.

Every reminder here is gentle. If you are caught trying to kill a man in the pantry, next day you will undoubtedly get a gentle reminder which instructs you not to do it – at least not in the pantry. There are some exceptions though. Finnish students here are not only “stars” but “superstars”. They are told to possess some kind of psychic powers and gifts of spelling casts. Every time I say something in Finnish, people take out their rabbit foots and start repeating some protecting mantras. In the Bible this is called glossolalia but in Finland it’s called expressing yourself verbally.

People here think that I am a scientist cause I always carry lot’s of books with me. So it is not hard to become a scientist around here. In reality I’m just giving them an impression that I can read and have overwhelming knowledge about life. There is one old man in the library always working and making merit to science. But every time I pass him he normally does everything but science. I have the same kind of friends back home who think alike with this man: scientific process is self-finishing, they say, it only needs physical attendance. This is how our scientific milestones are made. 

Last week I had a hot-pot-dinner with a group of friendly Chinese. Hot-Pot is a traditional way of cooking and socializing: all eaters are gathered around a table full of different food. In the middle of the table there is a stove and one pot. Goal is to cook and eat everything. Okay. I was last to arrive. The table was so stuffed with food that I couldn’t see from the other side of the table to the other: vegetables, tofu, squid, meat in different forms, fish, corn…I thought that there were others still coming - like the whole institute. But after a while the truth came out. We were all about to die out of sloth. With that amount of food you could feed the country of Rwanda.     

I had an assignment in which I had to find out whether implementing democracy in China is really a good thing. It made me think about the nature of democracy. Governing a country is all about results, it has nothing to do with the actual mechanism. So even despotism or tribalism are wise options if they secure certain human rights and bring the good to the people. Every political ambition is bringing about the best results possible. And I don’t say democracy is the only available solution to achieve stabile welfare or sufficient living standards. Of course democracy is also all about making sure that the risks of wrongdoing are minimized. But yes, next we will notice how the Norwegian want to join the EMU or how Lapland revolts for indepence.

I’m about to start my sabbath which hopefully does not turn out to be black. Then I will keep a week off. I have worked like a mule for the past two weeks and deserve a break. In Finland it is cold I have heard, my condolences: 22+.

         

Feb 18, 2011

Let´s vote!

Long time no see, sorry, been busy. And had no interest in writing to you. 

I fought against unknown enemy for 10 days but now I have good news; I can hold my shit again for more than 4 hours! Supposedly Al-Qaida is amazed how I survived from their cunningly executed attack which normally has efficiency rate above 95 %, and is planning to bomb my hall or to poison my daily muffin. This is what I could call real tactical warfare. Sadly in this first time opponent was just too strong for them. Next time Osama will leave me no chance.

But now I am happy again having lost four kilos of muscle mass. People don´t recognize me and keep´s asking: Who is this mysterious stranger? I tell them like Jesus told his disciples: ”Can´t you imbesils se-ee, it´s Me-ee – your master.”

This week´s theme is student activity in HKIEd. You know there is election all year round here in the institute. When one ends, another begins. Every time when the election begins (or continues endlessly) I am very confused what is the fuzz all about: what is the purpose for them to gather votes and go and tease people? When I go and ask nobody seems to know. What is your political stand? Who is your leader (can´t stand rivals)? What are your main political issues (better noodles in cantine? free library services? no more naked exchange students making silent statements? What?) Silence. At least those in the opposition reveal what is the main idea of making politics: it is all about having fun. Sounds like politics in Finland. And they deliver free pens. It is enough for me to sell my vote. But even if students are totally outsiders in their own political project what it comes to raised issues, they know how to put up a good show. All the parties have their own songs and brands. And when a group of ten people comes in front of your dorm in the morning to sing a serenade for their lovely supporters even a skeptic like me is convinced that there is something disturbing in political pretension.
Okay but students do also lots of things that can actually make a difference. They promote culture. Last week they performed a play which told a story about a female mass murderer. It was meant as a child´s play but there were also adults in the audience. I did not see in the end but I heard it was in many ways didactic. So this how cultural pedagogy is done here, impressive indeed. Now the student organizations are also preparing a singing contest which is very alike with Idols in Finland. People who actually don´t really understand what is their target in life try to become famous and get publicity. And all that they get is a bad self-esteem. Everyone cannot be an idol unfortunately, except Billy of course. Karaoke is actually very popular in Hong Kong and in my opinion Karaokebar is a place where devil makes her greatest attribution to humans. And if singing is not bad enough there is also held events where you can show your dancing talents. For me they already said that I could not join because I would create hysteria those in the audience. Understandable but racist.
And then there is election, no...that I mentioned already. 

Also the different sports organizations are very (hyper)active. When you decide that football would be perfect choice to improve the quality of your present student life – think again. The men´s football team practices four times a week three hours per each session. That I could call devotion and outstanding managing. I would understand if they would play in such a level that players need to train like professionals, but no. No ambition or high standard competition. Of course this argument is only based on rumours. It has nothing to do with the fact that i rejected from the team. But anyway, sports is overestimated way to spend your precious time on this planet. Better way is to do science, like I have done already for three days. But this is a secret, as secret as Victoria´s.

Next time I will tell you how I broke the law and nearly got caught. Missing you already <3

Nipa  

Feb 7, 2011

Indonesian Spirit

Iso Moro,

Indonesia had the pleasure of welcoming Mr. Finland and his three associates into their lovely country on the 26. of January. The local officials have still lots to learn about how to keep international diplomats satisfied because they had forgotten the red carpet and other formal solemnities. Instead of these we got before our eyes a city which you could call justly “something different”.

Our first stop in Medan, capitol of Northern Sumatra, offered as few memorable experiences. Cockroaches and leaking roofs wasn’t the most desirable welcome but at least we didn’t get mobbed, thanks to my huge size, excellent leadership and Bahasa Indonesia (official language) speaking skills. There wasn’t much to see in Medan, so I think big majority of our group members were feeling a bit like home. At least as a mark of sophistication both KFC and McDonalds had their representatives at present. In Medan you could see men with long nails and travel in busses made for midgets. For our girls this caused no problems.

In Indonesia you pay with rupiahs, and every foreigner is there like a millionaire (nothing new to me). Living expenses are cheap, but again beer is quite overpriced. Muslims don’t drink beer - at least in public.
From place to another you can get by using opelets or rickshaws, again not so comfortable way of traveling for people over 145 cm.

Second stop was held in Berastagi, located in the mountains. There we tried to get to see the nearby volcano but because of bad relations between Indonesia and Liechtenstein (Indonesia has not officially recognized Liechtenstein) we were forced to move on. Indonesian landscape is a mixture of steep mountains, fertile plains and waters. From the mountains there were usually breathtaking sights to the valleys.
You could often see monkeys waving to their leader from the road banks.

Lake Toba is the area which is considered one of the bagbackers “must-go” attractions. Even Madventurers have been there and because of their pre-work also Finns have respected the area with their presence many times. I had to replay comments like “Kuuma kissa”, “Hyva perse” and “Miten menee?” several times and every time they were impressed of my talent to turn this mythical language understandable for them.

During rainy season tourists are not much to be seen so we had plenty of space and peace at our proposal. Samosir turned out to be a great place for cycling. Everyone else expect I were nearly burned alive because of the sun but luckily I remembered precautionary means to protect my precious skin.  

From Lake Toba we turned our heads to Bukit Lawang, a place told to be inhabitated by Orangutans, big monkeys familiar to those living in Sweden where they have formed an actual society. Quite impressive!
Many say that I have a gift of animal whispering. I have proven this assumption true also by speaking to Swiss people, thought to be the most highly organized group of chimpanzees, so my preparations for the jungle expedition were well made. We stayed one night in the darkness of the jungle surrounded by food stealing monkeys, lizards, butterflies and other dangerous and vicious creatures you can imagine. Orangutans were quite friendly also, they made several attempts to approach me, but I declined their requests by saying “that I was already in a relationship”.

After Bukit Lawang one of us was gone, A.J decided to take a hike and leave me, so there were only three of us left. I thanked god for saving me from A.Js singing (god had already let me down one time by saving A.J from the raft) and we continued onwards. Last target would be Pulau Weh, the promised island of Malaria.

Pulau Weh was all about the Indian Ocean, snorkeling, diving, relaxing, eating and taking sun baths. So not for my taste, I prefer exploring filthy streets of crowded urban cities and wondering in shopping malls hoping to find “something personal to wear” or if lucky a new version of Apple’s Ipoo. Pulau Weh was also disappointing because I didn’t get highly anticipated malaria, all I got was some kind of B-status shit disease, which won’t even put you up for the test. But it is not always easy to be made out of steel, even though my ass and stomach proved to be made from false materials. I may have to change these parts to new ones but it is hard to give these old ones away cause they look so good.  

Okay, but the trip was awesome, I managed to cope with three unstable mental patients who seemed to get along quite fine even though it was their first time out for a long time. This time episode was also considered to the youngest of the herd, so the general tone has been kept serious. This way also my travel companions can hopefully enjoy it more.

Till next time.

Jan 21, 2011

I love Chinese



Ding Dong - said bell in the head of King Kong.  

I did an experiment by using MTR. MTR does not stand for ”Men testing Roll-on” but it is Hong Kong´s Metro. It takes an hour and 30 minutes to hurry back from Hong Kong island to my secret hideout in Taipo University. So it gives you somekind of scale of HKs actual size. Rich people like me can also use taxi services but sometimes you can act as if you were one of the rest and use the metro. In East Rail Line luckily us wellfortuned have our own carts. Taxis are not as expensive as in Finland, but normally when I use them I am too drunk to pay, so actually I dont know the rates.

In Hong Kong people have nearly always names which include first name such as Bobby, Ronnie, Heather or Kilimanjaro. Sometimes names sound funny but usually they make life a lot easier. Same you cannot say about chinese names. I have like maybe 10 chinese acquintances but cannot name even one. Maybe I should call them all Chang or Tsung, it cannot go far from the truth. But I like all my chinese friends very much. We all hate Japanese and love incense sticks. We also believe that life consists of five elements which is actually quite rational thinking. There is five fingers, five players on ice in ice-hockey, five Power Rangers, five wise people in Sweden, five changes to have a girlfriend in your whole life, five honest politicians in Russia, five days in a week if you dont count the weekend and so on...

Tourmanager Mikko Koivisto has left Hong Kong for Vietnam. He had to change his plans quickly cause he found out that in Thailand you cannot establish a bordel where you would only offer furry animals for pleasure. Mikko is by the way loyal to Panasonic even he could do better with Canon. Quoting my friend here by saying that ”with Cannon – You can”. But we had a good time. We visited local horseracetrack where Mikko and his adjutant enjoyed each other happily. Mikko couldn´t find the Great Wall in Hong Kong even if he tried very hard. And no, Hong Kong is not the capitol of China.

Tian Tai Buddha was Big – as they promised in some advertisement. Also measured in finnish standards. You have to be careful everytime when locals say that something is Big. L is not definetely Large and neither is XL something like Large with Extra dressing. Of course it is understandable that a man of my size is like a Godzilla here but even still. Anyway The Buddha was Large or even Extra Large. It protects the city with a wide grin on his face. Actually if someone would tell him a bad joke he would still keep smiling. And why stop there. I would say that anyone made of gold in that kind of totality should keep on smirking till the end of days. And that he will do apparently. Cable Car to the Buddha was also Big Experience even for me who is little bit afraid of heights – or because of that. Without this fear I would already be a fighter pilot. We were wondering with Mikko how much fun it would be to have sex in one of the carts, obviously it wouldn´t be so much fun if there would be the maximum amount of people allowed (16 or 1265 kg) on board that time or a person with you who would be over the weight limit. And of course we were not thinking of having sex together. But that was only a mind game. Forget it.

Okay, but thats about it for today. Next wednesday I´m flying to Indonesia to meet the aboriginals and swim in BORAT-swimsuit. Maybe I will also chase some sharks for food. I am also planning to take my surfing pictures for the Chippendales calendar 2012.

BB

Jan 16, 2011

Mr.Moustache and Tour Manager

Hello alles, ich bin Tuomas. I want to be international as you know.



I have found the Triads, a criminal syndicate which dominates Hong Kong´s underworld
and drug and prostitute businesses. I belive they use 7-Elevens as their base to transmit
illegal products to unaware citizens. 7-Elevens are stores which sell all kinds of daily
necessities and you can find them all over HK. Chain´s name comes from opening hours, as heard.
 
Luckily the people of Hong Kong is not alone. They have a saviour, a mysterious hero,
who is determined to put an end to Triads vicious plans. He calls himself Mr. Moustache.
I visited one shop wich claimed with these exact words "Even Clark Kent dresses in Chocolate".
So Chocolate is somekind of brand for superheroes I concluded. But to my great disappointment I didn´t find any costumes from Mr. Moustache. Batman and Superman were openly on display, but no sign of Mr. Moustache, who supposedly is the only hope for this city crying out of despair and constant disorder. So I bought only a pair of Spiderman sock and Catwoman´s brassiere, which are of course fake because Catwoman doesn´t wear any bra.  

Mr. Moustache moves only night time. He wears bushy moustaches which disguises him. Without his moustache he is as mortal as anyone else. Mr. Moustache is fearsome sight; he moves with the speed of sound and does acrobatic moves in all spaces. Sometimes Mr. Moustache can be spotted in Burger King where he gathers energy and plans his cunning counter attacks
against organized crime. Nobody knows his true identity but as rumored in newspapers "he must be stunningly good-looking, ingenious and courageous and gifted with paranormal talents which he uses for the benefit of mankind". Now the people of HK is holding their breath and waiting what will happen next.
As a close friend and partner of Mr. Moustache I can only say "Believe in him, he will fullfill your expectations". He is not only a man, but a miracle, granted as a gift to us all living in this unsafe metropolis. It is pity though that he is not mentioned in any of the guidebooks telling how safe place HK is to travel and live.
That is because Mr. Moustache is protecting us.

Friday I took some booze and nearly passed out in the taxi. We ended up in a place where you only pay once and knock yourself out with free alcohol. They call it open bar but actually it was far from it. There were so crowded that the bar was actually open to the strongest
and most arrogant ones. Maybe because of this fact it was near death experience for me. Maybe I should correct my habits and become more like Mr.Moustache who only saves beautiful women from danger.
I ruined also my shoes because someone had puked black venom on them. If I would be Mr.Moustache the one who had done that would already be six feet under.
We ate at Mr. Wong´s restaurant. Mr. Wong made it definetely clear that we should die out of sloth, one of the seven sins. And also beer was for free, ou thou Mr.Wong who are in heavens...

Mikko Koivisto, my band manager, came also to Hong Kong to make sure that our tour would come true as expectGed. He assured that the tour would be a success even if other members are not going to take part.
So it will a be huge show once again. I am looking forward how the crowd is shouting "Popie,Popie!"(Jiàohuáng) over excited. Mr. Koivisto will be heading immediately after the gig to Thailand where he attends in some kind of sexturism conference. But luckily he promised to
send me the ticketsales as soon as he arrives there. Good Job!



Jan 11, 2011

Eating unknown

Dear Fiends and Friends, 

Some locals are living in opinion that Hong Kong is dull city with only little to see and do except shopping. It it the only supportable thing what you can do with your clothes on. These people havent apparently left their homes too often. Or they havent visited places like Finland or Estonia. Once you have seen these forsaken cemetaries you begin to understand why only so few live there.
Or maybe it it because of low birthrate and bad immigration policy. Any way, in my opinion, HK (Hong Kong for friends) has proven its quality.

Firstly, you can purchase stolen goods from every corner and it won´t even cost you too much, if not ripped off. I bought a camera bag for 11 dollars (1 euro) and was close to bargain some more.
Secondly, Hong Kong people love to spend money on everything. They are even spending on my behalf, so I can concentrate on making some hard science. Thirdly, you don´t have to take off your cap while eating (sign of sophistication I would say). And finally you can get aplodes when going to a class. How respected is that (though it only happens in the beginning of first lesson. And for Brits only).

I was today in Bruce Lee´s grave (or statue actually) and nearly got an orgasm, which does not happen so often. But in Hong Kong you can do a pilgrim in almost every target if you wish, even in McDonalds. Actually I also visited this local rival of Hesburger (finnish brand) on friday evening. Only ate three doublecheesies for the cost of 3, 2 dollars (3 euros), remorseless cheating! How dare they? In Temple Street Market you can find almost everything from dildos to Mao´s small red book.
My friend bought Mao´s book in german, don´t ask me what he shall do with it. At least everyone knows for what purposes dildos are used. In Austria even this can be thought differently, though.
If you ask me what did i buy then, i bought women. On my wall. So I can wake up everyday seeing the loving stare of a woman. Audrey Hepburn that is.

We have a cantine in our campus. Though I have to admit that everybody does not think so highly of it. Food is basic but doesn´t produce any extra excitement for us true culinarists. Today I had for lunch such kind of cuisine that even my critical taste was satisfied. Every good meal should be assembled so that there is at least 70 % of the ingredients unidentified. So if the meal is rice plus something, outcome is that rice is rice and the other part is unknown until swallowed. The food is perfect if not even then eater is not able to recognize what he just ate.

But in a way it is true that Hong Kong will remain always only a city among others. As dear songwriter has sharply said:

Everything you do
has been done before
Everything you see,
has already been seen
Everything you touch
Has been touched with many hands
But not with your eyes, not with your hands
But not within you
Until it is done by you

So Hong Kong is there to be enjoyed. By Me. And by You.

Now I have to gallop to toilet. BB.


Jan 6, 2011

Plays and sports

So, good day to you all.

These questions have been puzzling me constantly throughout the week:

1. Why is there emergency buttons all over campus area?

Especially buttons situated in showers and near urinals are raising questions.
Could someone really be at risk of drowning in his own piss or having an allergic reaction while jurking off in the shower?
Even brushing your teeth can be risky as you may choke yourself.  

2. Would Bruce Lee beat Chackie Chan in one-to-one combat?

I got the answer in our Hong Kong Culture and History class where our tutor told that Jackie has some problems with alcohol and he haven´t been such a good parent.
But if Bruce would have had to fight against Darth Vader, would fight be even because as we all know Vader drank only motoroil and he was the best father there is.

3. Why are monkeys so hostile here?

During my visit in the temple of 10.000 (exact number) of Buddhas I encountered a horde of angry monkeys. They were after my earrings. They had a leader who acted bravely but after I have gave him (her?)
a glaze he realised that I was not the guy to fuck with. Next time I will bring with me some Dutch people and fed to these vicious hairy creatures. Or maybe they don´t eat creatures looking much alike.    

4. Why is there not any water in campus indoor swimming pool?

Sorry, there is actually. At least 15 cm. So I can swim there as much as in my coffee mug. Good they have guards there though, some one can drown if not careful.

5. Why cannot I go to gym without official instruction lesson which is held like 26.1?

Really they are giving the others chances to get even within these upcoming weeks. Until then I will do some dancing and aerobic practices. You can play also woodball, though it is sensitive for injuries.  

I had finally taste of Shakespeare and...
This is a conversation between me and a beautiful woman from my newest play:

T: O thou sight of heavens, who coveth my cloudy skies with blush of roses,
shall I encompany thee to my forbode coves where dolphins not cry frozen tears but tears of eternal bliss.
Thou shall not be afeared.

W: Thou makest my day Blithe. Where ever camest thou my dearest, I be filled with satisfaction.
If thou dost long for my love, I shall give it to thee but not with out conditions.

T: What will you me to deliver thee?

W: Bring me a pair of stockings from the market.
If thou canst find what I ask of thee, shall I not leave thou unsatisfied.    

T: He who trieth to stop me shall be demolished. A great mission of heartly delights derives me.
My fain princess, soon I shall return with golden wagons and feel thou again in my muscular arms.

The End.

Im about to start writing my own plays. The first one is called "King Bear" which tells a story of a bear disquised as woman. One man falls in love with the woman (bear) and finally realizes that they cannot have babies. Then he kills himself. It is a tragedy.

The second one is called "Plenty to do with clothing", which is like a comedy of three brothers who wonder around without any clothes. Finally they find a city where an old man sells them clothes and they become princes. In the end they all get married.

The third play carries name of "Romeo & Juliet and a pigfarmer." It is a tragic story of one pigfarmer who tries to sell pigs but in the end goes bankrupt. His life is asunder until Romeo comes in rescue. Romeo fells in love and Juliet kills herself in the pigsty. Then the pigfarmer thinks that Juliet is one of her pigs
and kills herself also because of strong empathic emotions. Finally Romeo finds out that both of her women have died and then he tries to kill himself but in the end is stopped by one of the pigs who turns out to be the missing king.
  
Now you can call me a man. I have bought myself a Bruce Lee T-shirt.

Dig-You-Good-Den

Jan 2, 2011

at the Beginning of Semester

Hello Mothers and Fuckers,

I thought that I would had learned Chinese language by the end of the week. Unfortunately it will take a little bit longer. Now I know already like two words so start has been promising. Learned so far:

fan laan = Finland
do ze = thank you

I think I can manage with these two till February. Nobody seems to know what Tuo Mas means in Chinese. This I will find out. I have this gut that it will something like "wisdom of gods" or "adorable flower".
Actually some individuals here thought at first that i am a seilor. Can´t blame them though. I have to tattoo an anchor on my forehead.
 
I have listed few things which will make stay here stressful:

1. I have a Brit living next door. He is a fan of Manchester City. So he can buy almost everything here.
2. Finnish is not an official language of Hong Kong but I´m working on that. I think they will consider its position again within few weeks after I have started negotiations with the local officers.
3. I have get to know people from Holland. They don´t even know that Soul is the capital of Laos.
4. I fear that someone wants to assassinate me cause I draw a caricature of Confucious on my door. The Dutch by the way think that Confucious was the Leader of the Saxons.
5. The death of Michael Jackson is not an acknowlidged fact here. The people here still thinks that Jackson lives in Neverland Ranch and is coming to play in Hong Kong next May. Yeah and next they say that
Hong Kong belongs to China instead of Great Britain. Or that Tokio Hotel is not really from Tokio.      

Tomorrow will start my first semester. I have chosen following courses:

1. How to run a country - basics of dictatorship
2. Dog - faithfull piece of meat
3. Chinese Medicine and Herbalism - Diarrhea and other usefull illnesses as means to better selfknowledge
4. From here to thereafter - Gods from Bruce Lee to Queen Elizabeth II
5. Architecture in Hong Kong - Build your own skyscraper
6. Engaging teetolater exchange students to alcoholism - field course
7. Fartial Arts - techniques of farting (course runned by a local master)

Hopefully I will get a camera soon so you will have the opportunity to enjoy pictures I have taken (alone in my room). Yeah.
Hey I forgot to tell you that I visited the Campus library. There is a huge collection of Harrison Ford and Richard Gere films. I will definetely want to get my share of this cultural heritage.
You can also borrow toys and Chinese tv-programs. They work also well together late in the evening.  

Okay but now to the football pitch. They don´t call me the White Anelka for nothing.

Thomas, Tomas, Toomas, Doom-ass, Doumas, Tuomas - whatever works.